Halloween Dresses in Fear this Halloween…
It’s Halloween tonight, but not a normal Halloween night, it's my brother’s 30th birthday. I wish I could be there. Now as we speak it's 9pm and here in London it's 1AM already. As everyone back in DR is celebrating his birthday, here I am, in my room; celebrating with him on my own. I wish I could be there, but I also chose to be here. I’ve missed so many things being here, but I have also achieved so many other things; which I wouldn’t have done any other way. Just watched Spider-Man 2, eating fruit gums and with my mind wanting to clone itself. That’s why I keep myself apart, it makes distance easier. I don’t know… I am writing here from scratch and not everything makes sense, but I can’t stop either. I decided to let go of my fear of communication and told my mother I started a Reggae Band, something which I am happy and proud of. I’ve invested so much time, effort, energy on being a musician that when the opportunity comes, I should take it; which is what I did. I have too, even though my fears embrace my heart. I don’t want them anymore, but there they are. And with that fear, fear of messing up, not playing right, not being able to listen what is there; I still said yes. Yes, I will play at the Reggae Festival on the 22nd of November in North London, even if I get the runs five minutes before calling on stage. I’m honestly nervous every single time. Every single time I play, every time I write, every time I speak, every time I try to sing… every time I am myself.
God also knows I want to sing. I do everyday, in the shower, in my life, in my heart… And as I write this I have tears in my eyes. It is still not enough, I want more…
I’ll just say she wasn’t very happy….You have no idea how angry it made me feel, yet I remained calm and tried to explain, again and again. Anyway, I don’t care about writing this for anyone to see because that’s how it is. And people that know my life and know, know the game. I do love my mom, and I wish she could be happy one day for me and understand. I want to understand her. But well, I do want to play, I want to write, love, paint, and be myself. There are no limitations in my sky and I won’t let anyone else limit my life and my stars; even if they flash from time to time. I have rehearsal tomorrow and at the moment my heart is a little nervous, and my fears limit my power. But I am done with fear and I don’t want to be a slacker. I want to fly far and I want an eagle to tell me its secret of consistency and will. I am facing my self judgement and giving myself and others another chance, just like the Masters of Humanity do to us every single year, every single day.
I miss my brother Juan Carlos and everyone else back in Domincan Republic. I am happy here too; I am everyday one step closer of achieving my dreams. If I had to go back in time, I would have chosen the same thing all over again. It was a good choice.
Happy Birthday manito…. I love you , I love you, I love you.
and as I celebrate tonight from the silence of my own soul, I wish you Love, Enlightenment, Courage, Humility and some Patience to deal with everyday life.
I am grateful to have you in my life.
Where are my Angels sitting right now?
Should I have a cup of tea, or two?
My bed is calling me… I want a teddy bear. At least I’ve got my kitty.
