Yesterday was my bday. and I had a BBQ party on Saturday night. I have to admit being a bit daft for putting my event on facebook but not inviting anyone. Maybe that’s why many, many people didn’t turn up. But the truth is, I couldn't ask for a better birthday party. Sarah and Jon were amazing! Brian was DJing all night… I danced, ate, drank and had so much fun.

There are so many things I could write today and I don’t know where to start. “From the beginning” some might say. Pretty obvious, right?

A bamboo plant always intrigues me, the way its roots grow, so free but attached. I want to be one… If I could ever be one…someday. But suddenly I look at myself and realise, it’s all good.

Decisions, decisions… if only others would decide for me, it would be easier. Not that I like it, is the pain in the process that annoys me. Here I am, ready to go and shake my tail feather. It’s Jaelee’s gig tonight, but it’s also Jon’s b-day. We had a wicked time yesterday at Jam.

I was going to write here what I wrote this morning in my journal, but I changed my mind. I don’t feel too comfortable sharing it with you lot. Maybe because not all of it makes sense. I wasn’t feeling well today, but I had to get strength from somewhere and get on with it.

And today was going to be another day that I was not going to write on this thing… I was lying in bed, not being able to sleep, with the duvet on top of me, keeping me way too hot… so I take a thin sheet to cover me instead and pretend to sleep. But somehow Morpheus doesn’t come to me, and I keep staring at the ceiling.

So I said to myself ages ago that I was going to write everyday, and maybe one day something will happen. Today is my best-friend’s bday… and I miss her terribly, you have no idea. But here I am, in London, at the beginning scary, now just threatening, but somehow I still want to be here.

Yeah I’m leaving all behind, and at what price…

I just want to be, somehow… free.

The farther I go, the freer I feel. But am I really?

Divorce. It’s bullshit. But you know what’s worse? To keep a marriage that doesn’t work. Here, take half, give me half, I deserve this much, you are hiding some more…etc. Uff, what a mess! Everyone ends up being affected in a situation that even though the search for who’s guilty is on, deep deep down, there’s none. Oh yeah, and the gossip, the accusations, the headaches, the heartaches, the nights without sleeping, they all linger on. And it becomes a never-ending story.

Ok. So I just don’t understand why people recycle people. Could it be the same principle applies? Better to recycle than to trash away, because it’s better for the environment? But how can an on and off relationship be reusable?